Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
