i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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