I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
