I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
