ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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