one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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