there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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