I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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