i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
