Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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