no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
