i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
