I heard we made out
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
