it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
