bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
so much tequila, so little girl.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
