Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
