Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
