Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
