dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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