Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
