You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
