She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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