She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
