when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
