peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
