You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
