So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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