Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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