my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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