any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
