My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
