The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
