i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
