I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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