Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
