im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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