The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
