Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
