I just made out with a guy for $7.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
