Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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