my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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