I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
