Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
