at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
