Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
being pregnant is like rehab
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
