Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
