today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
