Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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