If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
