Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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